EXCUSE ME SIR, “Do you speak English” ?

This topic had to be touched upon simply because of the charm and fun around it. Never in history, has any language been obsessed over, ridiculed, resisted, consumed, fought over, feared, ignored, been corrupted, evolved, distorted and lamented as much as ENGLISH.

 So what is it about English that is so enigmatic & prestigious? 👸How did the Brits so brilliantly manage to instil in people the pride of ‘owning’ rather than ‘knowing’ just a language. England was not the only country to colonise other countries and leave their impressions behind. There was France, Portugal and many other European countries, yet no other country managed to establish the supremacy of their language such as this country. While the French come a close second in trying to  add a ‘superior & exclusive touch’ to their language, it was never fussed over at all.

Even though invented by the Brits, this language has been inconstant, restless, unstable, unsettled & alterable by people like you and me. And when you give this power to ordinary people, then what becomes of the language is simply mind blowing comedy. You either have the power to develop the language or decimate it . Let’s have a few laughs along:😆

So a decade earlier if ‘are you mad’ – meant that you are behaving like someone who has lost his mind, today saying ‘ are you mad at me’ – means more like ‘are you angry’ ?

Did you know that ‘Elevator’ from a noun has become a verb. So don’t be surprised when someone says “John is elevatoring towards top position in his company” (In the dictionary it says: sizing up someone👻)

Alternative and alternate are 2 totally different words. Please stop using them as alternatives of one another😝 or they may end up becoming synonyms.🙆 (actually they are, in North America!)

So while one person in some part of the world coined ‘slim chance’ to mean, less possibility, another person in another part of the world ended up coining ‘fat chance’ to mean exactly the same. Strange!!

Despite a pool of lexicon, 1 simple word like run has about 90 different uses? Pray, why confuse the ordinary mortals? ‘There is a run in the stocking’, ‘he is running for presidentship’, ‘water is running in the tap’ ‘colours run’, ‘run of the mill‘, ‘car is running’ to simple ‘I went for a run this morning’.  Just imagine another 83 uses of this 1 word.💁🏻

Two words that have emerged in the recent times and are excruciatingly used/abused, are awesome and amazing 😖. Amazing  actually meant surprise  & astonished until a few years back but now replaces just about any adjective. If you want to compliment someone, use these 2 handy words OR Not! Such a waste of some stupendous vocabulary here.

So how a word becomes official  is interesting. Words have a probationary period of 5 years and if used frequently, it finally reaches the ears of  the lexicographers, and may end up in the Oxford dictionary. And well at this rate of deterioration, oops, progression or crescendo is it ? – even dictionaries cannot accommodate any longer. There are official words, wide spread, commonly used, that don’t have a place in the dictionary. Like bully, hips and boycott – yes sir, not a part of the dictionary….

So if you ever use a wrong word, you can actually fight your way out and say it’s official man,  it’s just not there in the dictionary!! Wait I just coined 3 new words:

1. Precrastinate: People who  do their work well before time. 2) Insinuators: People who keep dropping hints. 3) Aweless: Opposite for awesome. Just kidding guys!

On the other hand, the Oxford dictionary did give way to words of different languages – Pundit, Avatar, nirvana, cheetah, bungalow from Hindi, ‘Adhoc’ from Latin, ‘Al dente’ & Al fresco from Italian, and ‘au naturel’ from French. And these are just a few.

To add to the woes of the Brits, there is “Americanism”, which you may all already know is ruining the language with its slangs and causal undertones. But did you know that it is predicted that Americanism will actually absorb this language by 2120 completely? Which means, eat it up and present their own version – several levels notched down, incomprehensible, but cooler & funnier and not so intimidating, ‘English’…. So be ready to hear a lot of “Can I get a decaf on the go please”?

Wait there is still more going on with this lingo. The Netizens have presented alongside ever confusing new jargons, so mouse and cookies have nothing to do with baked goods, but well they are words now,. There is cloud that doesn’t rain. Cache is not money. Please deal with this too!

What about the social media english, the lmaos, the vbgs, bfns, ttyls, LMKs? God save us😑🙆

AMIDST THIS TOHU BOHU, WE GOTTA SURVIVE AND ENJOY THIS LINGUISTIC DELIGHT CALLED ENGLISH

I can’t stop laughing (rofl) thinking how the classic neologists of the language maybe turning in their graves. How gracefully they gifted/handed over/pushed down our throats, this language (correction: legacy) to the world and we couldn’t even protect it in its original form. Tch tch!!😵

 It was meant to be a global communication language to help in ease of business and get countries closer. But this did not go as per plan. For many countries like Japan and Korea, that are already xenophobic, English language or the lack of knowing it, only adds to their anxiousness levels. Many European countries like France and Spain did not adopt English for longest time for fear of it  threatening their culture and language. China and Russia, don’t even give a damn. English, nah! Interestingly in some countries such as Sweden, Netherlands and Denmark, you absolutely have to know English. Hence it is safe to say  that English is a lingua franca in true sense.

In case you are getting impatient, I have saved the best for the last. Let’s talk about India. With so many different perspectives across the world, I wonder what is this fascination of my co citizens, that they manoeuvred a language to A) convert it into a class B) discriminate people over it and C) think that English is just vocabulary. If it sounds good, it must be correct and no one will bother about grammar, pronunciations and basic ability to articulate . Ha! Seriously! 😎

We Indians, who are sitting on the mother of all languages, Sanskrit somewhere forgot to give our language its due including our own mother tongue Hindi and joined the mass race of embracing a new foreign language. And yes, despite the fact that we are one of the nations ahead of many in English speaking skills (come on, we have literally captured a job market from the US), we still  lack the confidence and are overtly eager,  all the time, to prove our english speaking skills.

So a famous cricketer with his desi ‘rapidex’ English or an elitist politician (conversational wizard) with his over the top but nonetheless out of the world English, all will be attacked mercilessly. The long and short of it, is that no one can escape the attacks that come with knowing/not knowing this vernacular.

However its time we let go and treat this language as just a communication tool. Some pointers while doing so :

Knowing the language: Is cool (but remember knowing any language is cool)

Not knowing the language: Also cool

Pretending to know: Not cool

Excessive pride: Not cool at all

Normal subtle pride: Not cool (not anymore)

Discriminating others over it: No way cool

Learning and Updating for self: Cool

Obessing to prove a point : Not cool

Using this language unapologetically: Cool

Trying hard to impress: Not cool

Using your own repository of language skills: Cool

Using “google” crash course: Not cool at all.

Knowing another foreign language: Cool

Dropping a French or a Spanish word while talking in English: Not cool

On second thoughts, saying cool or kewl is also not cool anymore 😆😈.

So you see, it might be a little tactless for me to bemoan the plight of Indians in connection with this language…but well someone will have to bite the bullet.

Jokes apart, our obsession for this language establishes a sign of self imposed serfdom.

We have prolonged our infatuation with this language way too long. Come on now….Let Go!! 😂😈😎

Author: Bhavna Gupta Patel